Back to School & Other Shenanigans


I don’t know if I’ve ever talked about this before, but it’s something I’ve often thought about. You know how we talk about going back to being a kid again with a sort of nostalgic yearning like it was some sort of golden era of perfection? When I look back on my childhood, I find a lot of joys, but also petty quarrels and feeling excluded, of never quite fitting in, of trying and failing to be cool enough. 

This morning, someone I follow on Twitter (Adrian Tchaikovsky, the author of Children of Time which is a great piece of science fiction that I cannot recommend enough) posted a photograph of the ‘Back to School’ section of a retail store, & there, amongst other school uniforms was a set of the standard Hogwarts black robes, complete with a Gryffindor scarf and a magic wand. As a good fangirl ought to, I shared the tweet, along with the comment- “Can I go back to school, please?” But as I typed those words, I asked myself if I really meant them, and I knew the answer before I actually did. I mean, it would be very cool to go back to Hogwarts but the condition to “going back” there is to have gone there in the first place, and no, I never got that owl on my eleventh birthday, so my only option is back to muggle school, which is, frankly, despite its good days, not compelling enough.

I might have missed school back in the early days of college, but mainly, I was missing my friends. For years now, I’ve had these recurring nightmares of going back to school and sitting for those exams all over again, and I assure you, no one could pay me enough to relive that again. And so, for a while, I’ve known that I wasn’t one of those people who longed after a bygone childhood. And I used to think it was because of all the math and chemistry I would have to do, but it’s not that. I mean, I enjoyed studying in college, but no thanks. And then I had about a couple of really good years as a research fellow, but not thanks to that either. And it’s not because of what I do in the present. Most mornings make me want to cry anyway which school, with all its pressures never did. I wasn’t one of those kids who hated going to school, you know? Except that one time in seventh grade when I didn’t study for my geography test but we’re not talking about that now.  

But the reason I wouldn’t want to go back is because of who I am in the present, and how I think in the present. I don’t want to revert to a former version of me because despite the omnipresent existential anxiety and nearly debilitating depression on most days, I am grateful for my view of the world, and my purpose in it. I don’t see it very clearly yet, but I know I am getting there. I know I have changed within since the days I held 1st September Hogwarts opening day feasts at lunchbreak with my friends, and since the days I wrote parody plays that were a cross between  Shakespeare, Milton, Austen and Wilde (My! Weren’t we ambitious?) on the steps of the college auditorium with other friends, and while those days were fun, I don’t think we can laugh the same way again. I have read so much and seen so much and felt so much- how could anyone give all that up? I may have picked some bags along this road, and on most days they drag me down, but it’s a price I am willing to pay for the journey. Besides, the way to shedding a load must lie onward along the road, not beyond. And speaking as a freshly minted Whovian, I think that knowledge is the burden of the Time Lord, of knowing you could go back and change nothing, and also the impetus to keep going- lonely man/woman in their blue box in the sky with friends they’re bound to lose again and again- WHOA! This article was not supposed to be about Doctor Who at all, and I have no idea where that last bit came from or why, but since this blog is mostly an exercise in freewriting rambles, I’m keeping it in.
The things I have let go a little bit since school- insecurities, bigotry, pettiness. One hopes, anyway. Things I have picked up- stories. Lots and lots of stories. New favourites, new loves, new joys. New exhaustion, yes, plenty of it, but also new ideas, such as this blog. Cynicism and faith, depression and optimism altogether. Does that even make sense? I fear every day, every moment, watchful for new whims that could devastate my carefully wrapped equanimity, and I dream every day, reshaping every thought with my resilience, with my hope, with my unshakeable belief in the validity of passion and ecstasy.  I wouldn’t trade my experience for an easier past. The process of knowing myself a little bit more. The process of knowing that I don’t know at all. So what I want to know at this point is what new things can I learn? What new beginnings are there? What are my paths and choices? In a way, I’m still sort of in school, but it doesn’t require a uniform.

If anyone wants to gift me a Gryffindor scarf though, they’re very welcome. It will go very nicely with my House Brawl Hogwarts tee-shirt. And I know I said I didn’t want to go back in time, but I wouldn’t say no to my own TARDIS either.
So, what did you think? Are you still in school? Real, metaphorical? If not, would you go back? Let me know in the comments. Have a good school term, everybody.
Couple of things I’d like to share before I go:

I wrote a mushy little vampire fiction (no it’s not like Twilight) a few years ago which has finally found a home at SirenCalls. You can read it here.
I also wrote a 100 word piece for Seeds (click here). If you want to try your hand at this, fill up the form on their contact page and they will send you photograph for you to base your story on.
And finally,  I tried my hand at rapping and here's the result.  What do you think?

Image credits: Pexels. Unsplash. Pixabay. The image of the girl on the boardwalks is by Keenan Constance on Pexels.

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Thanks for coming to read.

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