Lost/Affirmations

I don’t know who I am anymore. Who I once thought I was has been dead for years, who I want to be is nowhere to be found, and I seem to falter at every step I take towards that elusive self. Projects fail. Hours of toil amount to nothingness. The last remaining egg fails to hatch. The world breaks your heart. And meanwhile the past you want to leave behind keeps intruding.
Photo by Dan Grinwis via Unsplash

This blog isn’t going anywhere, is it? I know all the advice. Have read them all a hundred times. I know I don’t offer a service here, nothing that a reader may gain for spending their precious minutes reading through my ramblings. But that’s not why I started. I started because I needed to hear out my thoughts before they imploded inside my head. I write here because I can’t speak my madness and my fury and my melancholy out in person, and I don’t know who to talk to. Oh I have friends. Perhaps you are one of them. And I know you would listen. But what do I tell you?
Should I tell you how I forget how to push the air out of my lungs every-time the phone rings? How I spend hours and minutes counting moments of unproductive inertia because I am too frightened of failing at life? Do I tell you of the desolation of my heart? And will you ask me why? There is no answer to that. There is no reason, no rationale behind this sickness. Not any I can justify anyway.
And so I go on, rambling and rambling and pouring my words out to unburden a heart I am afraid to look into in case I find it a shallow, stilted space. I do not want to lose the solipsistic luxury of this whining. And yet, I am sad this blog isn’t going places. And yet, I am glad it allows me to speak out loud without being really heard.
A part of me wants to block the whole world out. A part of me wants to belong to the world. Yet perhaps, it is not such a great contradiction as it seems to be. They are different worlds, you know? I spent my whole life preparing for one, believing in it, and now that I am in it- I don’t care anymore. The fairytales never say what happens in forever. Is there heartache in forever? Is there disillusionment? Anxiety? Despair? Rumpelstiltskin, can you make me some happiness out of hay? I wouldn’t know what to do with the gold anyway.
I am so tired and I keep sending laughing emojis and I want to hide from everything that I hate that keep breaking down my boundaries, screeching for attention. And I am just being dramatic over little details because here at least, I have the luxury of not being heard.

I quit. Right now. From everything that puts a leaden weight on my heart. From everything that is not joyful and impassioned and glorious and beautiful. From everything that is just pointless details. From everything that is not meaningful, I quit right now. I go chasing the harmony of the golden deer. Starting now. Right now. Life without joy isn’t worth the effort and the toil. I go searching for my joy. Now.
Phot by Kaylee Brayne via Unplash

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